There’s a difference between sex and intimacy. Of course there is no doubt that those two correlate and integrate with each other. When I thought what I wanted was sex (although if sex is given to me now, I wouldn’t mind), it was actually my crave of intimacy. With that in mind, climax is (almost) nonexistent. Previously, I could just grasp on climax with whoever I am with as long as I’m on top (perhaps because I’m a selfish prick and I can just close my eyes and pretend they’re someone else, a.k.a Vin Diesel or James Franco). But now, I know what I want and I’ve become (gasp) more reserved.
Being fed romantic comedies since we were sleeping with our retainers on, I am fully aware that it’s only the adult version of fairy tales. Knowing this, I try to abandon that belief and hopefulness, and with lower expectations, I only want someone who doesn’t check their phone (too often) when they’re with me. However, because it’s been rooted deep on our souls, it’s hard to let go of that happy ending. Especially if your surroundings are married couples with children, thus it’s harder to re-brainwash to the belief that one’s self is a complete self.
In today’s dating world, it’s easier to look at your phone when you run out of things to say. Although some people have said that if you could look at your phone without feeling guilty, you have passed the true test of intimacy.
I beg to differ (or actually not, I’m really confused on this notion still): there are many levels before you can achieve that comfort with someone. Regardless, being on your phone when you’re with someone else is somewhat rude, unless it’s work. But let’s get back to the main topic.
I was born privileged and a true optimist, so the idea of not getting what I want is bizarre.
So here are a few more of my wants:
♠ When ambitious: comfortable silence.
♠ When brave: similar taste in (fart) jokes.
♠ When hopeless: a good kisser.
♠ If I’m lucky: a creative endeavor, or rather, a personal editor.
Ironically, what I want is also to not make an effort. So moving on, let’s discuss on that notion of hopelessness. It is almost impossible to be in that state. Having lack of hope and will is usually considered a depressed state of mind (whereas it can be that you’re actually becoming a realist).
It takes a long time to be hopeless. But once you are, you do not care about anything. You’re one level up (yay!), and that is one step closer to self-freedom (I just made this up).
You have nothing to lose, which is somewhat a revelation.
Due to the way you are as humans, if you’re not expecting anything, you–or most people anyway–actually still have that last drop of sanguinity, that something positive might happen if you completely surrender and let go. Practicing no expectations and hopelessness is harder than you think, because then and only then, you will get what you need.
Or so I hope.
One of my good friends told me that anything you do is fine as long as it’s meaningful to you and only you, perhaps even only for that moment alone.
If it’s meaningful, it must means something, anything, really. Meaningful means it has to contribute to your soul; regret is usually because it actually doesn’t when you think it would have and should have. Now, you can blame expectation for that.
On the contrary, if you want it to not be meaningful, then it’s okay as well. It is your will and your choice.
Once you get older, as you already know how to push your good buttons (masturbating), you don’t really need another person. Furthermore, you get pickier because you understand now that time is precious and priceless, because sometimes when you meet new people, you just can’t with the person.
So, if someone calls you after midnight: yes, they want your sausage or your taco, or whatever is inside your pants, but they also need to feel the flesh of a human being. The moist sweat and the hair, the nipples hardened, the pores opening up. They want someone to tickle and spank them, because they certainly can’t do those things alone.
This is when you make the decision whether or not that person is worthy (as a sex partner). When you think someone’s worthy of exploration as a person (this is when you want to hear their opinions on the next election or how they might have a nice insight to the irrigation presentation you’ve been working on for a week, instead of you thinking, nice tits or eight packs, when you look at her/him), then you should take that chance and get to know him/her. Take them on a proper date.
As I’ve mentioned, you’ll become pickier later on, and more somber, also judgmental and skeptical. It’s also not easy to meet people who have the same frequency with you as you get older.
Let’s go back to human fleshes and what they want: they just want another stinky breath they can inhale.
You must remember though that whatever “it” is, it does not always necessarily mean what you have with your partner-in-crime (at that moment) is a synced collage of energies. It may not even be an emersion of chemistry. Climax can delude your judgment. Your brain tells you it’s love, because the high feels like love in that split second (or two). Most likely, it is just a spur of the moment thing.
Or are you lucky enough to meet someone who posseses YOUR matching balance of chemistry and brain? Then it might actually work… Then this is the time you open your mouth and make an effort.
But then, there’s that thin blurred line you’re never sure of. Oh well. That one’s on you. Is it your junk whispering or is it your heart? You may never know.
Anyway, when you are the one initiating the (booty) call, think of how you might affect this person (so be considerate, think of what they want: do they want flesh or do they also want brain?). Communication is key; don’t dangle their dicks or pussies too long if you don’t think you can be with that person.
State your purpose, that’s respect. Honesty is the basis of (any type of) relationship. It saves a lot of drama.
Amazingly, connection and chemistry reveal otherwise. No, connection is another topic. It is for the blinds; our senses heightened. It is the invisible dots, the immediate universe, the simple slap you’re not expecting but want more and more. This is when you can act like a little kid again without feeling afraid that they might judge you. This is when sex is not the end point, but the bonus point. This is when you don’t mind being the spoon.
Connection is for the believers; it is for the ones who jump off of a cliff, thinking they could be saved with one ghostly rope.
And now I wonder, how does it feel to have sex blindfolded?
Note: This post was originally written and published on Tuesday, May 5th, 2015.
Featured image above the title is taken from: Cruisy Baby.